Incomplete

Wow, my ADHD mixed with Spring Fever and nothing is getting completed. I am so tired of my life feeling like a huge to do list and feeling like if I don't do it it won't get done. Unfortunately, my house is a wreck and my hubby is unbothered by it. I, however, and really annoyed! I never thought that going to school online would affect my life in this way but it is amazing the amount of things I have had to let slide due to the fact that I have assignments to complete. I hope that in the end, I can land a decent job and make all the sacrifices that both Tim and I have endured worthwhile. I really enjoyed VBS at Morrison but now I feel like I am paying for the decision to be involved in that because my due date for completion has not budged it must be done by the 15th of July. It isn't exactly hard but WGU is very writing intensive and as the classes progress there are more assignments per class. On a brighter note, this is class 30 out of 40. 40 is the number of graduation, and several of my classes are student teaching and one is a cohort seminar, and one is making a professional portfolio. So in reality, the class that I am currently enrolled is the longest. Then there are two more specific subject classes and a content exam over all of the latest material. So really if I can jump over this class, I am in the homestretch. I have eight tasks completed with a pass, two tasks that need to be revised, and one that if I answer one question and make a worksheet I should pass hopefully. So I need to get busy!
It is hard to believe that at age thirty, I am experiencing such full blown summer fever. I think this shows me that working in a classroom environment year round, like Cookeville, might have it's own set of challenges.
The other part is the four Praxis exams that are required in the state of Tennessee, so far, I have taken two of them...won't know if they are a pass until July 11th. And I have two more exams, that I need to take on the 25th of July. I hope that they are all a pass so I don't have to come up with an additional 150 dollars a piece!
We have given up time out enjoying life and time with each other, we have given up vacations and money. I really hope that this time in school will end with me getting a job as the economy seems to crumble, I am losing some hope.

So excited!

Today I got the long awaited email, that it is time to start setting up my Student Teaching Demonstration experience in January. I really hope that it goes smoothly. I am upset over having to start over the PCE experience with only five assignments remaining, hopefully I can get the new principal to let me finish these assignments as well as complete my student teaching there. I am trying not to panic and rejoice in the fact that soon I will be at that part and before I know it I will graduate and be on to marketing myself and hopefully landing a great job! I want to work with kids, come on I am ready!
I am also ready to have insurance, complain about how poor I am as I plan a vacation, and eat out every once in a while. The casual luxuries are things that I am eager to participate in. And even though I am so grateful for the job that I now have, I can't wait to be able to stop cleaning the church and clean my own house every once in a while.

Somedays are better when they are over....

Today seems to be one of them. Billy Mays died today, I know the world is still frantic over Micheal Jackson and Farrah Fawcett but this one did me in. Why? I am not sure, I just felt like Billy Mays enjoyed life, and it saddens me that at fifty he is dead. I lost my mom when she was only 50, I was eighteen and not at home. But here it is, just because you are not home does not mean you don't love them, she unfortunately chose men over her kids. I have struggled with this for years but here is the reality, if just one person was an adult then I could have had an almost normal childhood, but alas, I had a crappy one. Now, let the record show as a teenager I made a few really bad decisions but why didn't anyone hang in there and fight for me. I wasn't a monster. Just sayin' I think for this reason, and maybe this reason alone, one day I will either adopt from an adoption disruption or take in long term foster placements. I am trying to mentally get myself ready for a difficult journey where there is no guarantee that in the end you get to keep the kid. But I have already traveled that path and learned there are no guarantees in life. You put the kid first, make the best decision, and move forward. Well at least you try to keep going.....A child is a gift, and not everyone gets gifts. Some days, I feel like a Jehovah Witness on my birthday....sorry bad joke. I was venting!
Today is almost over at this place, just one more church service where we sing and eat ice cream and I want to "get it over with" Don't get me wrong, I like visiting with the people from my church, I just feel really bad emotionally and physically. Tim is going to play his banjo, now that should be entertaining. At least he warned the folks. As for us, we will serve the Lord, so for now I am going to kiss my Hubby, call my MIL, and get on the road.

Raindrops keep falling down my face

I am headed for a full size break down. I am exhausted emotionally and physically. The reasons are so varied that it hurts my head to even think about it. Tonight was the end of the VBS, and the kids raised 250 items or so for Mexico! This made me really happy, but the sad videos full of people who lose their family and risk their lives to just say I am a Christian....and we barely make it out of bed. It really convicted me that I need to do more and be more.

My heart is broken as kids came and offered a hug or a smile, I had to watch them get on a bus, and wonder if they would be welcomed home with love. My arms ached for a child, why are there so many people who never want kids and have millions and I long for just one child to love and claim as my own! I also am sad because I long to go on the Mission trip and there is no way financially I can afford to go and if I could Tim's health is not good enough to safely go. I know this isnt his fault but I get angry because this is not what I signed up for. Don't get me wrong, I adore my hubby but it is so unfair that things are so hard for him and that it has always been that way. Come on insurance! I wanted a simple life, a couple of kids, a small little house and a summer vacation every year, but all of these feel like a lifetime away. I keep telling myself that it will get better, but at times, I seriously believe that my life is hard and that no matter what I do it will just stay that way.

Then the latest news, my Mother in Law, is having a mole removed and we are going to have to wait for feedback, on whether or not it is Cancer.
VBS is over, but no rest for me, tomorrow I will be cleaning a trashed church, and then on to a busy next week-----Sunday church and SNAP with music! Monday-Mom to the Doctor and errands and laundry to catch up, Tuesday---Praise Practice...my first possible day off is next Thursday...I need a vacation, a real one away from family and friends. Away from even my church family! I love them but I need a break!

Prayers are needed

Today I took my Mother in Law to the doctor, for her usual monthly bloodwork. My SIL noticed a place on her left shoulder, after pointing it out to the doctor today it is going to be biopsied and sent off to see if it is in fact Cancer. This is of great concern for us for obvious reasons. Pray that the removal goes well and that by next week we will get a good report. Please pray for peace for all of us as we play the waiting game.
Here are some of my favorite pictures of Nancy, my mother in law.

Here she is with her daughter and son on Tim's ordination day.

Here is one from Christmas 2006 in Missouri

Here is one from Christmas 2008

Here she is with two of her oldest grandsons, Josh and Roger.

Wordless Wednesday

Just a few pics from VBS 2009 at Morrison First Baptist Church

Wednesday Night, Tonight, is the Best Day Possible at VBS, Eleven Saved!

Survived Day one VBS

Tonight went pretty well, there was only one class that was kinda rough, but I hear they were rowdy through out and not just in my class. One class was two minutes early but that was a minor point and the teacher was eager for them to get started with the lesson. I love the kids, it is still kinda hard to have adults stare at me while I am in the middle of the lesson. I am so excited about all of the things that they are getting the chance to learn. I hope that the next four nights are just as good. ....the kids have fun and well its all about them! So glad that this went well. I need to go work on my school stuff, so I don't fall behind. It is so hard to do VBS, my usual running, and still not fall behind in my school stuff...so I am gonna work on an assignment.

VBS...DAy one

I am so terrified, as a future teacher that probably should not be sharedm but well it is the truth. I am doing Mission Harbor at VBS for 6 groups of kids, in twenty minute intervals....and as well as I have prepared I am still pretty scared. I just dont want to blow it. I know VBS is not life threatening but I am so well aware that I really want these kids to know :
Two Things
1. That Jesus Loves them
2. That I love them
and that they matter.
I wonder if someone had invested in my life when I was young would I still struggle with self esteem or still have such rough food issues?

I have most everything set up perfectly thanks to a dedicated Hubby and the recently elected Sound man..I also got some help from My MIL. I hope this goes well and that there are no major traumas.......UGH!
I cant wait to gather together and get some pics!!!!

Father's day

later today I need to call my dad. This holiday is awkward as Hallmark doesn't carry a my childhood sucked but thanks for giving life to me selection. As I have shared in previous posts, I hope that we develop a closer relationship. In the perfect world, I would live a little closer and get to attempt to rebuild a life with him as a friend. But I guess that is impossible, he has a new wife and a step son that due to being laid off --love the economy--is staying with them for the most part. I am still thankful and hope that we can get closer, I hope he knows I love him.

This day is hard, because I wonder will I ever have a chance to tell my DH Happy Father's day? I long to be able to give him a healthy son or daughter, something that is 50% both of us and yet 100% perfect in spite of us.

I have just spent the last hour putting together the final touches for Children Worship Dad Day Craft and we are talking about Abram's faith and how he left when God told him to and went into uncharted waters. I wonder if this will be true for us as we begin to explore infertility treatments and search for more information...

Morrison First Baptist, starts VBS, pre-registration tomorrow night at 6pm. If you can come on out and bring your Dad, we will be happy to give him a hotdog too!!!
The VBS decorations are awesome and the planning is extraordinary thanks to the Shirley and Jack Best, and their daughter Tanya....Wow it is over the top and the kids are gonna love it!!!

Tonight, I guess I am feeling guilty because my room for VBS is not decorated and everyone else's is probably perfect already. But wait, I am trying to be positive. I know exactly what decorations I want to put up and I know exactly what I need. So all in all there is no reason to fret. I am really pleased with the lighthouse decoration that Tim made and the pallet that Pastor Chris picked up for me. So even if my room is the ugliest in VBS, I am glad to be a small part of what I hope will result in children coming to know the Lord.

I am learning to wait. It appears that is what I am learning because at every point in my life there seems to be things that I just have to wait and see what happens.....Four weeks until I get the results for my first set of praxis exams, five weeks until I finish taking the rest of the tests that lead to a teacher license, next week until I see how VBS goes.....and now another big thing that I have to wait for.

I wonder why as an adult it is still hard to keep a secret? But here I am dying to share my secret and having to be quiet and wait.
Well for now, I am going to finish watching the Yes Man with Tim, lovin the free rental codes. Go redbox!!!!

Thankful Thursday

I am thankful for so many things. It is interesting that sometimes we get so busy with day to day tasks that we fail to see that life is good. I am thankful for Tim starting to feel better. At this point, he can usually sit , lay, and stand for a period of time with little pain. This is an improvement after injurying his sciatic nerve at the end of April.
I am happy to have met another goal of meeting the goals set with my mentor. My next goal will be the hardest yet. I have to finish the current class and all 24 tasks by July 13th. If I can reach this goal, I will have a small break until classes begin again in September. Of course after the tenth of August, I will be back in the classroom. I am thankful for being able to go to school and work with excellent teachers and students and learn so much from everyone.
I am happy to have a Hubby that is dedicated to things that are important to me. We have been through so much as a couple and I love that things that are important to me are also important to him. For example, he has worked hard to make a lighthouse for VBS in between uploading the church website, getting the video up of the sermons, planning out music, working on ideas for choir specials, and school work. He is awesome and I appreciate that when I have a need he really cares and tries to help me get the results that I need. I am thankful also that even as dedicated as he is to me that I can count on him to be actively seeking God's will for His life and for direction on which way our little family should go with decisions.
I am thankful for my Conception Obsession friends, they are a great support group for anyone who is having trouble getting pregnant.
I am thankful for the children at Living Waters Church, I love love love teaching Children Worship and it is really helping my relationship with my MIL. We make a great team when it comes to helping the kids learn about Jesus. I am so excited about the new lessons on the Hall of Faith and I am excited about after VBS getting to redecorate the Living Water Children's Area.

Almost Wordless Wednesday

My First Bulletin Board

now in my dining area........

A sign of the School where I have completed my PCE Assignments and maybe my student teaching

This was my professional attire pic.

I think the sweater vest is very teachery.....

and a little too fluffy, sigh!


( okay Wordless Wednesday is a chance to share pics)



Since I am in School mode....here are a few pics about adventures on the way to a teaching degree...

I still have nine months until I finally graduate... Come on March 2010!!!!!

and then it hit me

Yesterday, was out usual hectic Sunday. Children Worship went really well, and I learned so much about Rahab, and in general as I prepare to teach the kids. I never knew how landing in a job would cause me to grow or how much I would truly love it. Church was good, it is odd, that our Pastor was preaching a message so similar to what we heard at a local revival last week. Tim had an opportunity to teach Sunday night, but the part that stuck out was that the pastor said, Tim is currently enrolling in Liberty, and working towards a master degree, so he will need some practice so that he is prepared to preach one day. I guess I knew this, but at those words, it hit me that the reality is we won't always be serving at these two churches and we may not always be in this area. I don't know why I am a little slow but it was overwhelming. I was already emotional having come from a baby shower. I had a moment where I really longed to play with a child. Luckily, there was a baby getting a little squirmy so off we went to the nursery. I played blocks with the baby, and let him chew on a book, teething and before I knew it he was fighting to keep his eyes open and so I rocked him to sleep and thought what a priviledge to be able to love these children and concentrate on their needs. I felt a little bad missing my hubby's talking but between my ADHD, a squirmy baby, and my need to process I think it was a good choice. It turned out well as said baby's grandma came and talked to me and I did not even realize how much we needed to talk. Isn't it funny how we often don't realize how much we need other people until we finally slow down and take the time to chat. I hope I encouraged her and I hope that she knows how much I appreciate her as well.
Last night, it was so nice to come home and make dinner and just be with my Hubby. I adore him. I know that I am blessed to have a great hubby, he has his character flaws, but how lucky I am to always feel safe--physically and emotionally.
Today, was good so far. I did the usual running around, bank, krogers, mcdonalds, lowes--to get the lighthouse supplies! So excited to have a chance to decorate finally for VBS that is right around the corner. I am thrilled that Tim is making me a lighthouse and I really hope that it turns out good. I am eager to get it all set up, I need to make a dock, make a lighthouse, hang a few posters, make a few posters, make a note for the parents, copy pictures onto the boxes for the Mexico mission trip and so much more!!!!!! I also need to study the book, and wach the video, but I guess I got a week, it should be great!
I still need to clean, do laundry, plan out the meals for the week, and finish my grocery shopping. Not to mention that in three days, I need to have several more assignments turned in so I am blissfully busy!
Cant wait to post pics!

2 Down and 2 to go

Today I got up much too early and took two Praxis Exams at Tennessee Tech. 170 multiple choice questions and three essays later, I think I passed both exams. I won't know for four more weeks and I have two more exams scheduled for July 25th. So two down and two to go. I am so thankful for sister in law driving huge tests really stress me out and I don't want to have a panic attack on top of the usual test anxiety.

Tim and I were thrilled to have a dinner for less than four dollars, we took advantage of the free wednesday Arby's deal, well it gets better! If you call in or take an internet survey about your visit they give you a code that can be redeemed for a free roast beef or beef and cheddar sandwich....so we bought drinks and enjoyed a free sandwich....

Other news, I am planning on attending a baby shower tomorrow, I was able to get the cutest little girl things without a break down and can be sincerely happy for the momma to be. This may not seem like much to other people but I count this as a small miracle. I know that right now having a baby would be financially irresponsible and waiting until we can financially afford a small one is the right thing to do.

Well I am still behind on my studies so I am off to complete another assignment or two and I still need to review my Children Worship lesson. This is not so exciting but this is my life and I am really blessed to have the opportunities that I do have....

Oh yeah VBS is coming up really soon, Tim is making me a lighthouse, and now that I have a pallet, I am on my way to having a dock...Mission Harbor! So excited!!!! It all comes back to Jesus!

Thankful Thursday

I am thankful for these pictures.

They remind me that there was some good times with my family.

Even if I don't really remember them.

I am thankful for the relationship in progress that I now have with my Dad.

And for this trip when he came to see me in December 2007.

And I am thankful for his wife, Rodessa, she is good to me and to my dad.

I am glad that he is not alone.

I am so glad that she is going to retire in January.

I hope that they get to travel the world together

and enjoy the rest of the time they have.

I am also thankful for these memories in Nashville.

Tim and I have never really had a true vacation.

And this escape was needed!

Hopefully we can see each other soon.

Almost Wordless Wednesday

A chance to share a few pics and explain what they are......

This is an Elvis car that was drive by a 72 year old very fun lady. We met her in Paducah, KY on our move to Tennessee. Goes to show that age is just a number. I am not a huge Elvis fan but this lady had the best attitude and her kids got her car designed for her.

St. Louis Bridge

A rare pretty thing in Missouri

But for me it is beautiful because it marked the ending of our lives in Missouri.

This is a Fountain in Downtown McMinnville, Tennessee

If you look for beauty, you can find it anywhere......

The Future is so bright, I am gonna need shades

I am so excited! Why you ask? Today rocked....If you are following my blog, you know that my lovely DH is on his way to getting a Church Evangelism and Church Planting from Liberty. I love that he is excited about the degree and that he feels like he is on the right track. I have been so excited to see God answer this prayer as well as to see my Hubby talk about his future ambitions for God's Kingdom. I feel honored to have him finally begin sharing his dreams with me, as well as knowing that he does dream!
And as you have all heard, I have been dreaming about being a teacher...an elementary teacher, and now the rest of the story plays in. I have always had a heart for Hispanic children, because my mom came from another country I have always been intensely aware that their are often cultural dynamics as well as other issues that face these children in addition to the fact that they have to learn a very difficult language. English can be very hard, then add in slang and dialect differences and it can seem a bit much. But here is what I am trying to get to, as soon as I complete my bachelor degree next March, I am going right into taking my Master of Arts Degree in English Language Learning. This is an interesting degree in that not all the states offer these classes. But I think I can say that I can go without teaching in WV, AL, WY, WI, SC, or SD. I think this is going to be a great option for me, letting me still have some opportunities to interact with children in small groups and open up several option to instruct at the community college level. This makes me really excited! Another journey is starting...I am so excited!

Feels like a Monday....

Today was kinda a late start and I loved it! I really enjoyed company but there is nothing wrong with one day a week sleeping in and waking up in my Hubby's arms. I love Mondays, it is mostly our day off. We did have to put gas in the car, pay a bill, and grocery shop...but we got such great deals thanks to my Hubby's dedication to the best deal. It is such a simple thing, but I adore having him along with me for the ride. I also think I was especially happy for not having to go into the dread WalMart.
What is going on in our lives????
Well Tim traded a violin for a banjo, and is making progress at a fast pace. I must admit it isn't my favorite thing but he loves it and loving him..well it is part of the deal. Though I must admit, he is so naturally talented it is crazy to watch him pick up a new instrument so quickly.

Tim, has decided to pursue a Master of Arts in Evangelism and Church Planting....this is definitely a God thing. The way he got in was odd and his acceptance into a Master level degree even odder. But the only foreseeable down side is if he can start in August or if he has to wait until January...Either way, I am so proud of him!!!!

I am still working diligently on becoming a teacher and all in all it really isn't so far off from the point where I can hopefully get a good job. I should graduate in March.People say I am crazy for wanting to teach but I really don't think it is that bad of a deal...you get most evenings and weekends off and at least two months in the summer.And even thirty thousand beats what we are managing to live on now. And I really love kids, twenty five with a well planned lesson and a great classroom routine works pretty well. My next hurdle is taking and passing my first two praxis exams this upcoming Saturday! So nervous, I will be so relieved when they are over. If I don't pass the exam I get another chance to pass in September but at ninety dollars per test I really hope I pass the first time.

I am taking a hand writing class, I got the first two lessons back today and I got a 15/16 on both of them. 93% is not such a bad start in my opinion. I was pleasantly surprised. I must get back into working on these lessons because I can not believe how much I have enjoyed having four days school free.

Not a lot else, Tim and I have made the determination to live in poverty for the next year forsaking a real vacation, weekends away, eating out, or even real movies but this allows us to reach our academic goals in 2010....Somethings are worth the work to reach them.....I just hope that family and friends understand that we care about them but money only stretches so far...

I get by with a little help from some friends

Well, last night, my sweet DH's former college roommate and his wife came to visit. In the end, they ended up staying the night and we talked until nearly 3am. It wouldnt have been so hard except for the obligatory get up and feed thing before we set out to go to both church services. It was well worth it though because I got to talk to Amanda and hope that maybe we can develop into real friends. I loved hearing the stories about the long ago college days of my Hubby and reliving a part of his life that was pre-Melissa. The awkwardness was gone due to the fact that we had met up in Manchester when they were headed near our house on their way to vacation. Ah vacation--a concept that seems quite foreign to me these days. So I had the opportunity to talk to her about the fact that they did not have children, she says it "gets better" and has a little dog that is like a child to her. I appreciate her honesty and the fact that she has come to a point that she doesn't think about not having children. I wonder if this will be my reality in seven more years. For now, I just plain cant see that happening. But it was nice to see a couple that didn't beat the odds still love one another.
Completely off the subject, I have always thought that if I was a "good girl" that I would not struggle with so many issues in marriage, relationships, and life in general. Amanda was a good girl, she was such a good girl that if I did not know her I would think she was a goody goody and be uncomfortable but guess what sometimes our past really doesnt matter? And then while I was learning this life lesson, it was reinforced with the sermon about mercy and God granting mercy and how we need to stop limiting what we can do because of our past. Do you know what Jim Baker is doing? Jim Baker has remarried, they have adopted a child from every continent and are in the process of building Mercy Center for troubled youth that other places refuse to take. Wow, funny how we define people by their mistakes and yet they still can do so much good?
So today, I guess I get through the turmoil by making new friends, forgiving myself and others, and trying to keep reaching out instead of wanting to be by myself.....

Change my heart oh God

I dont want to feel this way and I dont want to be this way. But here I am again, tears running down my face, avoiding yet another baby shower and jealousy rearing its ugly head. I am genuinely excited for my friends unexpected miracle, it is not every day at 39, that you find out you are going to have another baby especially the same year that one graduates. This woman is my friend, I want to wish her well. But as I cleaned the church yesterday and saw the baby shower items begin to take over the fellowship hall, sadness was all that I could feel aching and pushing at the edges of my sanity. Luckily, the lady who brought the bassinet didnt hang around long, and I had a moment or two to cry my eyes out. Three years, no protection, and still no baby? I am 31 soon lord, I have made so many mistakes but why cant you grant me a baby, just one? My hubby is and always has been a good man, can he not be a father? My DH, says that it doesn't bother him like it does me, because we dont have the money or insurance to find out how to fix it. He also adds, that one day he thinks we will be parents. My heart is breaking, and I can not live and thrive in this pain on an everyday basis. Why does infertility really overcast all other areas of life. It is like an overcast and I really dont know how much longer I can take the heart break of empty arms. So this is my prayer, Change my heart God, please if you are not going to let me be a mom, then take the longing the emptiness the jealousy the hatefulness, help me to have a day or two where I do not feel incompetent or irregular. Help me to love others, even whent they are complaining about there blessings and help me to refocus...