I am headed for a full size break down. I am exhausted emotionally and physically. The reasons are so varied that it hurts my head to even think about it. Tonight was the end of the VBS, and the kids raised 250 items or so for Mexico! This made me really happy, but the sad videos full of people who lose their family and risk their lives to just say I am a Christian....and we barely make it out of bed. It really convicted me that I need to do more and be more.
My heart is broken as kids came and offered a hug or a smile, I had to watch them get on a bus, and wonder if they would be welcomed home with love. My arms ached for a child, why are there so many people who never want kids and have millions and I long for just one child to love and claim as my own! I also am sad because I long to go on the Mission trip and there is no way financially I can afford to go and if I could Tim's health is not good enough to safely go. I know this isnt his fault but I get angry because this is not what I signed up for. Don't get me wrong, I adore my hubby but it is so unfair that things are so hard for him and that it has always been that way. Come on insurance! I wanted a simple life, a couple of kids, a small little house and a summer vacation every year, but all of these feel like a lifetime away. I keep telling myself that it will get better, but at times, I seriously believe that my life is hard and that no matter what I do it will just stay that way.
Then the latest news, my Mother in Law, is having a mole removed and we are going to have to wait for feedback, on whether or not it is Cancer.
VBS is over, but no rest for me, tomorrow I will be cleaning a trashed church, and then on to a busy next week-----Sunday church and SNAP with music! Monday-Mom to the Doctor and errands and laundry to catch up, Tuesday---Praise Practice...my first possible day off is next Thursday...I need a vacation, a real one away from family and friends. Away from even my church family! I love them but I need a break!