Saturday, June 6, 2009

Change my heart oh God

I dont want to feel this way and I dont want to be this way. But here I am again, tears running down my face, avoiding yet another baby shower and jealousy rearing its ugly head. I am genuinely excited for my friends unexpected miracle, it is not every day at 39, that you find out you are going to have another baby especially the same year that one graduates. This woman is my friend, I want to wish her well. But as I cleaned the church yesterday and saw the baby shower items begin to take over the fellowship hall, sadness was all that I could feel aching and pushing at the edges of my sanity. Luckily, the lady who brought the bassinet didnt hang around long, and I had a moment or two to cry my eyes out. Three years, no protection, and still no baby? I am 31 soon lord, I have made so many mistakes but why cant you grant me a baby, just one? My hubby is and always has been a good man, can he not be a father? My DH, says that it doesn't bother him like it does me, because we dont have the money or insurance to find out how to fix it. He also adds, that one day he thinks we will be parents. My heart is breaking, and I can not live and thrive in this pain on an everyday basis. Why does infertility really overcast all other areas of life. It is like an overcast and I really dont know how much longer I can take the heart break of empty arms. So this is my prayer, Change my heart God, please if you are not going to let me be a mom, then take the longing the emptiness the jealousy the hatefulness, help me to have a day or two where I do not feel incompetent or irregular. Help me to love others, even whent they are complaining about there blessings and help me to refocus...

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